We went back to Korea in November 2008, the 11th. The ‘we’ being, of course, JJ inclusive and the reason for going was very much JJ inspired. It’s tough to be happy when you’re 5,500 miles from home and we’d been in the UK for 5 years. Five up and down years, Five Royston years... that’s a roller coaster at the dullest of times and it’s not fair. I did 2 and a half years in Korea the first time around and I needed to come home; needed to, not wanted.
JJ wasn’t happy and I could see it, could feel the sadness. To be honest, if I take us out of this timeframe for just a second, she was never happy in England. There were happy days, happy weeks even but there was never consistent happiness, never contentment. So here we were, heading off again! I got a job set up, an apartment sorted and she was happy! I mean super dooper genuine happy, the JJ that everyone loved because it was impossible not to. The JJ that filled a room with charisma and beauty and that was what I wanted, That’s all I wanted right then, back in late 2008.
It was a difficult decision in so many ways. The girls still hadn’t forgiven or forgotten the last time. That 2 and a half years was initially the biggest wrench of my life. It changed me, broke me. I rebuilt from that point and became a lot tougher because of it but they’re older now, the girls. They were now more independent and they knew they’ll still get to see me. I also promised them a holiday to Korea which sweetened the deal a bit for them!
It was the babies I was more concerned with. Lillianna was 2 and loving life, full of herself and the life and soul of our little household. Cade had just started school and he loved it, we’d just had his first parent evening and they were heaping praise on his attitude and personality (that’s never changed thankfully). Not just that but I really hated the idea of moving my kids. They need stability, it’s something I never had and it’s something I really always want to provide. So it was a big deal, it affected a lot of lives but ultimately it came down to what was fair in a partnership, and for balance to be restored going and trying was fair.
And so we agreed to head across the planet once more. In search of harmony, in search of togetherness and search of an answer to our eternal dilemma. I could be happy in England but JJ couldn’t. JJ could be happy in Korea but could I? Well, not to put too much of s spoiler on the plot but no. I might of managed it with just me but not with the kids and without the kids I don’t think JJ and us would ever have got to England in the first place! So we were effectively stuck between a rock and a hard place... or, as this story is titled, in a fucked up dichotomy.
A year, that’s all I could do... To the day! Yeah it sounds reasonably substantial but in the grand scheme of things it’s not that long. There were good times and new (lifelong I hope) friends made but it’s a different ball game trying to provide for a family compared to my first sojourn of 2002-2004. We were in a 1 bedroom apartment for starters, 4 of us, and not exactly a luxurious one either. It was cramped, it wasn’t cosy! From day one I started feeling as JJ must of for so many years... miserable.
I had no control over any of the money as it made sense for JJ to get my wages paid to her to pay the bills and sort out daily living. I’m shit at sorting that out in my own country so in a way it was nice to not have the purse strings. But in other ways I was constantly comparing it to 2002 when I would walk down to the pub from work on payday with a cool 2 million Won in my pocket! The only time in my life I was officially a millionaire!! The cost of living had also shot up by 2009 so whereas I could go out all night, eat drink and be (usually very) merry for about £25 it was now costing £150 just for a weeks groceries. It was a quid for a potato... 1 potato!! And my pay was pretty much on a par with 2002 so it was tough financially too.
The kids hated it, hated school, hated being the freak show. They were pointed at in the street, other kids harassed them if they even tried to play outside, they became shy and withdrawn around people, it was heartbreaking. One of my main leave catalysts was a photo album that the school had done for them individually to remember their year. Page after page of my kids looking sad, looking dejected and looking at me to get them the fuck out of there.
JJ was happy though, she had her circle of friends back and while she occasionally tried to involve me in the socialising she generally went it alone. I don’t blame her, conversation can’t flow freely when you have to constantly translate and explain things. She was making up for lost years and partying pretty damn hard. There were nights when she just didn’t come home and whilst I don’t think it was intended all three of us were getting neglected.
I had nights out, don't get me wrong, I wasn't housebound and we did some couple stuff. We had regular family meet ups, a Friday night meal in our regular restaurant with the kids. I had a bit of an ex pat connection still in place from the first time around and as long as the kids weren't too tired we'd sit outside the 7 eleven, share a few stories and plenty of beers. I had besties that I'd go and play screen golf with and there were some good times and some good friends made.
I was doing my work but I wasn’t enjoying it. The first school I worked at (in 2002) gave me free reign to do whatever I wanted. It’s all about bums on seats in the private academies of Korea. If you’re getting the kids in and they’re enjoying it then they tell their friends and more kids come. I had singing days, acting classes, game days and all sorts of madness going on when it was down to me, kids loved it. This time around it was teaching by the book. Set lessons with set lesson plans that whilst not the worst (there were some horror stories from other ex pat teachers!) it was certainly not inspiring and made the thought of going to work less and less appealing. Saying that, I was on good terms with the boss and never let him down, until I left that is!
I was drinking a fair bit, mostly at home watching movies or streaming catch ups of English soaps (definitely not good for homesickness I can reliably inform you), or playing online poker when I could convince the Internet I wasn't in Korea (no mean feat in 2009!) . Cheap bottles of lager and loneliness are a terrible combination. The mind wanders and the mind wonders. It's like self inflicted torture. You get angry because you're bored and lonely so you drink which makes you angrier and lonelier. I wasn't in a good place and I only had a few (by now close) mates to call on.
And so, from a few months in there was unhappiness battling happiness. My unhappiness combined with my 2 youngest children's. And JJ's happiness and her hope that we could assimilate. A recipe that simmered at times, boiled over at others but was never quite transformed into a satisfactory meal from the get go. Things were heading for a showdown, each day my resentment grew and each day I thought about going home.
I had no money, the kids passports had been tampered with so they couldn't leave the country and I was miserable. It was time to plan an escape... time to walk away. That though is a slightly different story... so that will be part 2!
