Cars I won, part 1: Greys Mallory

"3 minutes and 40 seconds. That's the record Ronny, you owe me a car."

I've just gone around an assault course, a pretty tough one for a 15 year old lad. It starts with parallel ropes strewn between trees at roughly 20 yard intervals. These run for about 15 trees and then there's a zip wire down onto a climbing frame/death trap in the middle of a lake. I needed to land well or I was in the drink, I did and I clambered through the obstacles and climb the wall to finish the whole thing in what was an all conquering 3 minutes 40. 

"Yeah, I guess i do but I think you cheated Roy..." He leaves the statement hanging in the air knowing full well it will get the desired reaction. That's the thing with Ronny, he loves a reaction. He loves to watch you strain every sinew, push yourself as hard as it's possible and then just when you think you have him beaten he'll pull out a rule change or a blatant dismissal of an obvious victory. 

Ronny (Ronald J Robinson III) is a part of the Robinson drinks company family. He was in his early 60's at this point, I was nearly 16 as was my best mate at the time and co-conspirator in the 'win a car' venture as well as all other sorts of chaos, Stokesy. The thing that you had to get about Ronny was that all this turned him on, he loved it, got off on it, and in a very sick and perverted way too. He'd set you a challenge just to watch you sweat, he was a sick paedophilic aristocrat and he was trying to con me out of my fairly won car. We knew, me and Stokes, but it was a balancing act. Do two 15 year old boys want a car to rally around the woods? ... well yeah, obviously but how far were we willing to go to get it? ... Not as far as the sick old bastard wanted! 

He had this massive mansion with 25 acres of land. Our house was on the main entrance's gateway, there was a north and south lodge and we were in the south one. There was a 3rd lodge on the side entrance to the estate which was apparently nicer than ours, that wouldn't be hard though! Our nice enough house was neglected, falling to bits, and had an infestation bordering on a plague of mice sharing the house! We had to tie our bread to the bare standard bulb hanging from the kitchen ceiling to stand any chance of it lasting more than an hour. There was some great fun to be had hunting them but in all fairness it was too easy, if you left a bit of food anywhere for more than 10 seconds there was a swarm of them on it! The main drive parted the two gatehouses and ran straight, between two open fields to the main house/mansion. It's recently been burnt down in what was recorded as an accident but was pretty impressive in its day. (http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/coventry-news/four-escape-listed-manor-house-3052936)

Off to the right of the house as you look at it here and through an arch there were the garages with some great old dilapidated wrecks including a rolls' and a jag' and then further to the right the woods began. There was the assault course, a lake smack bang in the middle of the woods, a fantastic rope swing that took you from up by the zip wires' starting point out over the lake and back too close for comfort toward the ancient stout horse chestnut it was tied to. A track the width of a car ran around the edge of half of the lake and then off through the woods passing 'the valley of wahhh' (named after the sound a passenger would make when we used it as a shortcut in the car), upwards and left towards the 3rd gatehouse and then looping back around past the main house and back to its origin. further down from the lake was an open field with a rundown old barn that I spent a few months living in  further down the line. Coming back up towards the house there was the orchard and in behind that a little paddock where Thunder the horse lived. Then as you came back up towards the house, directly behind it there was the croquet lawn and tennis court, very nice!

The trick with Ronny was to let him think he was winning, give him just enough to get what you want and stay in control of any deals that were being negotiated, cool and calm, composed and in control... "YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME RON!! It's done, I won you pervy old fucker, you fuckin' watched it, how and where could I have cheated?? GET ME MY FUCKING CAR"!!! Woops... Ron's gone, He's stomping off, his face a nice shade of crimson. "Nice one Roy" interjects Stokes and he's off after Ron to try and talk him round. I knew better, shouldn't of lost it but it's done and Stokes is the master of talking Ronny round. So I sit and smoke a soggy rolly, dejected, knackered and despite my victory, defeated!

"You've gotta do the hill Roy, deal's back on if you do the hill". Stokes is back after rigorous negotiation. I really don't wanna do the hill, there's rumours abound that the last kid who tried it had a heart attack. Rumours that apparently had some substance. "Do the hill and the deal's back on, he's got the money ready for the one we found in the paper". 'The one' is a Talbot Avenger 1600cc sport, light blue body, black roof. A whole shed load of sexiness to a nearly 16 year old! 

The pic is a bit darker in colour but the same beast! "I'm not doing the hill now, I'm fucked", I tell Stokes. "No, he doesn't want you to do it now, he'll say when". I know what this means, it's a punishment. You can't shout at Ron and get away scot free. He'll wait till it's pissing down, till the hill is a slippery mud bath of hell. Doing the hill entails having Stokes (6 foot already and 1 and a half of me in weight) up on my shoulders and climbing the hill that is pretty much a cliff and runs from the bottom of the rope swing cliff up to the left towards the house all the way up to its summit, you get to the top, stand tall with passenger intact and you've won. There's a knotted rope to pull yourself up with but it's hard enough on your own. It's hard enough when it's dry and you can get a good footing. "Ok" I say after serious contemplation, we really want that car, "tell him I’m in"! 

2 days later and I’m waiting for the nod. I know it will be today, or tonight as it's been raining all day. We had a recky earlier and it's a death-trap so it's sure to be on but he keeps us waiting till the light is fading and dusk is setting in, all psychology on his part. I won't be able to see the summit, I won't be able to see a fucking thing if it gets much darker. Stokes wanders down to the house for the tenth time that day and then he's running back, "c'mon, let's go". We had a practice run yesterday, it was dry and light yesterday but the technique is programmed into my head, it's gotta be done quickly. The longer I take the more unlikely it is that I'll do it. It's also about the knots, we've tied a couple of extra in to match my pace length and can only hope that isn't considered as more 'cheating'! 

Ronny's there, at the top with his lecherous pudgy little face grinning away. He's confident that I haven’t got a chance, looking at what I can see of the hill with water cascading down and mud puddles formed at the bottom I’m anything but. "The rules are that you need to get him (Stokes) to the top without any part of him touching the floor", he tells us what we already know. "And you have 3 lives", again, we know but I’m pretty sure that if I don't get it right first time I won't have the strength to go again. We slide down the hill, using the rope to steady us but it's slippery as hell. 

"And go"! He's loving it. I crouch as Stokes stands directly over me and with a practised routine stand and steady his legs with my left hand. The balance is key, it's impossible to use the rope and keep any hold on him and so we've got to keep it steady at all times. I take a step, planting my left at the base and readying my right for the first upward stride. I fall, we fall, there is just no traction and we land heavily in a heap at the foot of the hill. I look up and see Ronny's glinting delighted eyes.

We regroup, encourage each other, Stokes mounts and we're ready for take 2. I get the tension in the rope before I lay a foot anywhere this time and start the climb. Right leg step, left leg stabilise. The rain intensifies and we're wet through. It's then that I know I can't do this, my heart is hammering in my chest and we're like novice ice skaters knowing that any second now we're toppling over onto our arses. I can't see much but I can see him smiling, leering, squinting to see my pain and there's my inspiration. Step, stabilise, step and I’m over halfway. Seeing him and now seeing the summit silhouetted against the last light of the day drives me on. Step, stabilise, pound pound pound my heart is virtually exploding in my ears but I speed up as I know I'm nearly spent. We make it, finally and I stand like Rocky on the steps of the Philadelphia museum of art. "YESSS"! 

We get our car. We rally it, we break it, we fix it, we jump it, we rag the hell out of it and we love it. We do time trials around the rally track, drop down into the valley of waaahh and jump up the other side nearly getting wiped out by a very inconsiderately planted tree that causes all sorts of stress to the driver side door. But more importantly we win and I didn't die at all (for a change)!!